The only real regret I have is to regret to inform you that I currently no longer have any regrets worth sharing, or any regrets worth feeling. Feeling regretful and remorseful over something, whether it’s today’s spilt milk, or a long drawn out but never fully resolved issue from yesterday, is possibly one of the worst emotions to feel, and definitely one of the heaviest aches to carry.

It takes a big heart to admit to a mistake, but it takes a really open mind to be able to move on from painful events from the past. I don’t know if it’s possible to not feel regret, but I thinkI know a way to keep it quarantined and away from ourfragile morales.

When I learnt that my father was losing his battle to cancer, my first instinct was to bottle up and not deal with the realities my family was facing; that in an unspecified amount of time, we will have gone from three to two. It will always feel easier to escape your  problems, even if it’s just momentary, but grabbing your problems by the neck and staring it in the face will always keep you light and relatively stress free.

Fortunately for me, I learnt that the only way to get through the remaining months I had with my father was to communicate to him everything I hadn’t, and everything I felt I would need to say to him in the coming years that he wouldn’t be around for.

I opened my heart completely to make sure my father knew that there was nothing I wanted to tell him that I felt for whatever reason I couldn’t and there was no conversation we couldn’t have.I absorbed so much of him in those delicate, painful, and unforgettable months that a new fear cropped up inside me; what will I do when I have to let go?

The hollowness that comes after the death of a loved one, and in my case, a parent can leave you feeling incomplete for what can seem like an eternity but I realised that the closure I felt after he passed away was the result of all that we shared and all that I said and everything that we learnt about each other in that short span of time. I can say now that I have no regrets because now I have communication.

Broaching the issue, understanding our faults, and moving on can resolve almost every grudge and most misunderstandings. Our fear of confrontation, and wanting to brush everything under the carpet because we don’t want to ruin the moment is what we do. Communication is key and can liberate us of all our restrictions, regressions, and eventually, regrets.

Regretfully, I have to end this loaded stream of consciousness, because I fear I may have said too much, or I might have bored you and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I felt like I couldn’t stop writing in time. I don’t want to have any regrets. And neither should you.

Posted on: 27 September, 2009